Albert's Trombone

Albert’s Trombone

(With my sincere apologies to Marriott Edgar)

Albert were a tinsmith, a man of many talents.
He grew up hard in Northern climes,
With holidays to Blackpool’s famous seaside place,
Full of chips and ice cream chimes.

As a grand little lad he went to Zoo
With doting Mum and Dad.
He’d met a Lion, but then slipped up,
All around said it were bad.

A lion had swallowed young Albert.
He never got digested.
The Lion he coughed and up Albert came.
Eh.. his Mum she were disgusted.

‘Post-traumatic’ the doctor said,
Better find him job inside.
So Albert went to steelworks,
A wage it did provide.

Now Albert had a lifelong mate,
Stanley was his name.
Now Stanley had those music genes,
And Brass Band were his game.

He played on second cornet.
A lovely tone had he.
Every year at Armistice
He blew that Reveille.

Now works band were facing crisis.
No trombones had they.
So Stanley spoke to Albert,
To see what he would say.

Impecunious were Bert and Stan,
A trombone were way off beam.
So Albert said he’d make one,
At work, in breaks, unseen.

He saved some bits of copper,
Bent tube and the like,
From jobs around the steelworks,
From what was thrown off site.

For three long months did Albert toil.
His efforts were rewarded
With funny looking instrument.
Eh.... it all looked rather sordid.

A polish up was all it needed.
So off to band it was took.
Albert proudly showed them all
A trombone like in no book.

Well, the band collapsed in fits of giggles,
Even Stanley looked fit to burst.
Conductor said “I know were pushed,
But come lad, you should have spoke to me first”

Albert’s lip was quivering,
What would make it hard to play.
But conductor was kindly man,
And gave him chance that day.

He set up stand with music notes,
With Euphoniums lined side by side.
Eb Basses gleamed behind him,
His trombone looked quite deprived.

Now what the band they did not know,
Was Albert’s will to get it right.
He’d enrolled in night school classes
For trombone playing by sight.

For a laugh conductor said, ‘we’ll play this piece
With trombone solo high.
Let’s see what Albert’s got.’
Baritones looked fit to cry!

Well the band played introduction,
And Albert’s time he did bide.
When a tone of dazzling brilliance
Came from somewhere deep inside.

A crowd then gathered outside hall,
To listen to the sound.
The band played on, and on and on.
A new star had been found.

All were wiping tearful eyes,
They’d never heard the like.
Albert’s bone had hit the mark.
No big news like this since miners went on strike.

Stanley was looking quite amazed.
‘How did you do it son?’
Albert replied all confidential like,
‘Well after surviving that there ruddy Lion, anything’s easily done!’
©Keith Murphy