Albert the Bellringer
(With my sincere apologies to Marriott Edgar)
​
Albert were a tinsmith, a man of many talents.
He grew up hard in Northern climes,
With holidays to Blackpool’s famous seaside place,
Full of chips and ice cream chimes.
As a grand little lad he went to Zoo
With doting Mum and Dad.
He’d met a Lion, but then slipped up,
All around said it were bad.
A lion had swallowed young Albert.
He never got digested.
The Lion he coughed and up Albert came.
Eh.. his Mum she were disgusted.
‘Post-traumatic’ the doctor said,
Better find him job inside.
So Albert went to steelworks,
A wage it did provide.
Now Albert had a lifelong mate,
Johnny were his name.
Now Johnny liked to pull a rope,
And bellringing were his game.
​
He rang at towers both near and far,
Of Bristol Max he had no fear.
Conducted quarter peals for all his mates,
And topped off evening wi’ favourite beer.
​
Now ringing band were facing crisis.
Of ringers short were they.
So Johnny spoke to Albert,
To see what he would say.
Well Albert was not decisive like,
He ummed and ahhed at first.
But Johnny pressed him long an’ hard
Till Albert finally burst.
​
Albert never was half hearted.
No challenge made him cower.
He asked Johnny for several weeks
To prepare for first trip to tower.
​
Now Johnny thought this somewhat strange,
But faith he had in mate.
So between the both of them,
They set the fateful date.
​
Albert saved some strips of copper,
Unwanted tin and the like,
From jobs around steelworks,
From what was thrown off site.
A bell of his own was what he wanted.
And not afraid of honest toil,
He chucked his metal in works furnace,
And bought it quick to boil.
​
Kiddie’s sandpit was pressed to use.
His mould used looked up data.
Albert poured in metal gloup,
And his Bell emerged few days later.
​
A washing line and bicycle wheel
Finished off his major project.
He set it up in soundproofed shed,
So no neighbour could object.
​
What to ring was quite a thought,
So a ringing simulator was wired.
He worked his way, all diligent like
To Bristol Max, eh... he was inspired.
​
Well the fateful day it did arrive,
And Albert to Tower he went.
Johnny was pleased to see him.
Rest of band, keen to impress, rang Kent.
​
Johnny took him up to hanging rope
And said “grab hold tight on end son”.
He put Albert through backstroke,
Who was not impressed with lesson one.
​
Albert stood square up to Johnny like
And had his little say,
That he’d like to cut preliminaries,
And go to method ringing straight away.
​
The band and Johnny were quite astounded.
From a learner this was quite a feat.
For most of band had only just,
Got beyond ringing that tenor beat.
​
“Well what can you ring?” asked Johnny boy.
Albert glibly replied with smirk on face,
“Well, Bristol Max if you’ve got the band,
But mind it’s at right pace!”
​
Well, the band collapsed in fits of giggles,
Even Johnny looked fit to burst.
“Before we do that Albert lad,
I flick simulator on first”.
​
Two others said they’d join the band,
Whilst Albert chose his favoured bell.
Jonny and two others grabbed hold,
Convinced it would not go well.
​
They struck their way through method,
Eight electronic ringers unseen.
Every strike was perfect.
Albert’s handling was clean as clean.
​
Johnny was looking quite amazed.
‘How did you do it son?’
Albert replied all confidential like,
‘Well after surviving that there ruddy Lion, anything’s easily done!’
©Keith Murphy